I’ve taken the morning to clean out the “stickies” on my Mac. I often use them as a quick way to jot ideas, lists and blurbs of what’s on my mind. There’s a few emotional “word vomits” that I’ve pasted below. They’re without dates or backstory but they are (unnecessarily) deep + somewhat embarrassing but coming from a place of honesty.
I’m deleting these stickies so I can focus on a restart, but what better way to share the irony than on this loving holiday? I have to laugh at myself because GEEZ they were so damn poetic. I bolded my favorite bits, the most profound ones that perhaps can bring some meaning to someone.
Happy Valentine’s Day, kids. It’s all gonna be okay.
I get these tiny spurts of happiness and hope every once in awhile.
I’m emotionally fucked if I wake up next to you.
Even though at this very moment, everything is at a standstill. Maybe there is a broken chemistry that needs to be defined, so it’s broken particles that need to be caught and organized.
Who knows, but this pattern is something that needs to stop.
I’m not okay with just letting go because time has past. I’m not okay with things that are slipping and falling because there’s no reason to simply continue.
It’s an absolutely profound feeling. Curious as to what we are, what if there was a we. Sometimes these type of things do not have anything to do with consciousness, but everything to feeling (or a more spiritual) experience.
It might not be the worst thing, or it may be the best, but the nearly fatal caught of breath that currently fills my lungs is a tragedy waiting to happen. It’s not about compatibility nor about pure attraction, but there is something more. Something beyond anything truly describable.
Patti and Robert had it the best and the worst and to even fathom this type of love… that makes everything hurt, being fairly confident that I won’t ever feel this way or anyone will feel that way about me.
This is bullshit. Why should this even be in my mind right now?! It shouldn’t be like this, the doubt, the insecurity, their anticipation of the no, sorry. It’s like some sprinkle of the “you’re not right for me” comes off of me when I touch someone.